Friday, March 7, 2008

Bad Dreams

I woke this morning in the near darkling in a sweat from a horrible dream in which my incredible horse, Kyra, was unable to breathe and was dying. I was drenched in hot sweat and my stomach was rolling in fear. I took many deep breaths and started in with the thought process I had to learn in response to the many terrible fears I battled during my struggles to recover from a serious brain injury. "It is not likely that the dream you just had is happening." or "It is unlikely that Kyra is in trouble."

I spent the better part of 2 years saying things like this to myself every time the phone rang or when ever I made a left turn. For a long time, every time I made a left turn in the car I heard screeching and crunching metal. For no particular reason, as when I was struck in our car, it was from behind. I did hear screeching and crunching metal so the sounds I heard in my head were certainly sounds that I know from experience.

As it had in the past, such a mantra did give me enough peace to be able to return to sleep. The dream was still with me as I woke for the second time of the morning. I was distracted and worried as I worked until about noon, I decided to just go to the barn and see. I kept telling myself that Rick would call if anything was actually going on but I wasn't able to calm myself really. Once I got into the car to go, the feeling got stronger and more terrible. I tried not to speed too badly on my way. I drove down the long curving drive straining to catch a glimpse of her.

I finally saw her, standing by her feed bunk, picking up the last few bits of her breakfast hay. She looked up and seemed happy to see me. Nickering as I walked up to her. She is fine. She's been having some troubles with hives. She had them off and on most of the end of last summer. They seemed to go away this winter, but were back the other day. I am worried about why she has them, but can't really figure out any way to figure out what's causing them. Her feed is the same. I am going to get her feet trimmed as she's been having a bout of thrush, which is a hoof fungus. I wonder if she's reacting to that.

I am so relieved that she is okay. I can't even talk about how much loosing my horse Honor to sand colic hurt. I know I will have to loose her some day. It isn't something I can contemplate.

So I brushed her and picked out her feet really well and just loved on her. And feed her a few more treats than usual. I've got to figure out how to balance my life to get everything done that needs to get done and still have time to see her more.

I resist the idea of getting another dog because I don't have enough time to spend with Kyra. I haunt the Airedale pages looking at the dogs other people own and enjoying them. My husband got me a tee shirt with some kind of beer that has Airedales playing in front of some mountains. I am wearing it now and love it. But I really need to focus on spending what time I can organize or swipe from the studio with my horse. Even if I am never able to ride her. Even if all I ever do is ground work where I walk with her. Even if all I ever do is groom and hang out with her. She is such a joy in my life.

I did manage to get some brewing done - Leap Year Day + 2. But close enough. I got 6 gallons of a plain mead (traditional) made with the usual Colorado wildflower honey I've been brewing with for years. I also got 5 gallons of a cran-apple mead started. It's going like crazy. The traditional isn't working as fast. But apple juice super charges the yeast. The traditional will take a while longer. But I am planning on putting back a case until next Leap Year Day, so I am not in a hurry. If the cran-apple mead brews out like normal, it should be drinkable in 8 to 10 weeks. I'll have it for summer time sharing. That's what mead is about for me, the sharing.

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