Some friends and I were chatting tonight. They were amazed that have begun to blog. It seemed like they felt that it was risky, something about the visibility of it was disturbing to them.
I guess I sort of am amazed that I have a blog as well. I would say that I am a fairly private person, that I listen more than I talk, that I help more than am helped. I started this thing as a ways to claim and explore the definition of myself as an artist. I imagined all sorts of sort of esoteric explorations into the creative/artistic process, dazzling in scope. It wasn't going to be personal. I didn't plan on the need to be sharing the exploring of my grieving process.
It has been very comforting to do so. It would have been very difficult to share over and over with the loving people in my life the sorrow and the details. This blog has allowed me to share in a much more intimate way than I would have been able to face to face.
I knew that my dog was going to die soon. I knew that she had lasted much longer than her breed was supposed to. I knew that she was growing increasingly uncomfortable as she was deaf, blind, and her hips were very unsteady. But she still dominated the other dogs and frisked when I brought her in to have canned dog food breakfasts. But I didn't really understand that she would actually no longer be there. It still seems very unreal. I expect to see her at the fence when I get home. I chatter at the dogs when they come in for supper and the silly names I made up for her fall naturally out of my mouth. I still step carefully out of bed in the middle of the night making sure I don't step on her.
I have reflected recently on the nuances of grief. The grief of loosing my mother, my horse, my best friend, and now my dog. Each one fresh and deep, each loss different. Some of the actions are the same, but the inner landscape is different. Words are not there for the difference, it's more like a color or taste sensation.
It tears me up to bring our 2 remaining dogs in at night. They both come in and look around for Emma. It's getting to be a less through check as time passes, but they still check every room. I haven't yet picked up her bed.
I have been spending as much time as possible with my mare. I did take some pictures of her today. Now I have to get the cable, phone, computer and my jiggery-pokery-fu together and post them.
Maybe when I get them posted I can write about her and what I have been learning or at least what I have been doing.
I guess all in all, I am not experiencing this blog as a risk. It is more of a sharing back to the folks who's blogs I have been reading and enjoying. I hope also to get back to digging into the process of claiming and exploring what it is to be an artist. And to a very large extent, it's a way of claiming and exploring who I have become after the brain injuries and after the grief.